dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
