You're so nebulous sometimes
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize