if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
