The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
