Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
