Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
