It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
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It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
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I think my nap took me to another dimension
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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