that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
