There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
