I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
