ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
