On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
