Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
