3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?