how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
