my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
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Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
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i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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