I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I faked an abortion last night.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
