Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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