69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
