Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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