well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
