I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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