I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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