Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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