she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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