I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
