Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
