Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
