can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
