So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos