Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
