Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
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Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
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Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?