Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
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Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
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Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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