ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
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the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
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so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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