What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
