three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
