matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm lost and stupid without you.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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