My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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