i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
