You can't motorboat a personality
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
