youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
