That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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