Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
