your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
