I have demons in me.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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