dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
FUCK WHALES
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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