I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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