I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
