i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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