Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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