hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
