I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
