I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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