Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
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You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
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it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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