This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
