Umm I'm too high to move.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
