That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
