i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
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Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
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you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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