I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
