My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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